


lost inside this endless haze of life

by kihyuks



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Confessions, Heartbreak, M/M, Rejection, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 22:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18973636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyuks/pseuds/kihyuks
Summary: changkyun confesses.and changkyun gets his heart broken.





	lost inside this endless haze of life

**Author's Note:**

> hi its me again posting fics instead of uhh yknow revising for exams hahahaha help
> 
> idk what this is i just. yeah having a bad day so i channelled it into an angst fic im sorry changkyun
> 
> i wrote this in one sitting n therefore have not edited but yes hopefully its Ok

“so, i— uh, i really like you?” he sounds insecure, unconfident. this isn’t what he planned for. he planned to confess to kihyun confidently, sure of himself.

changkyun isn’t even looking at kihyun. he stares down at his lap. he fiddles with the ring on his finger, twisting it around.

kihyun hasn’t spoken. changkyun doesn’t know if that’s a good or a bad sign. regardless, he’s too afraid to look up and see kihyun’s face. he doesn’t want to know what his expression looks like.

kihyun clears his throat, the first sound he’s made since changkyun’s confession.

but still, changkyun doesn’t look up. he can’t look up.

he already feels the tears prick at the corner of his eyes. the regret sink deep into his bones.

the lack of reaction tells changkyun all he needs to know. kihyun doesn’t feel the same. he was wrong. his friends were wrong.

he can’t blame his friends, though. he let himself have that hope. that hope that maybe his feelings would be returned. so, he did this to himself.

“i have to go,” changkyun mutters, grabbing his bag and turning to leave.

he doesn’t even manage to take one step before a hand wraps around his wrist.

“kyunnie—“ a cough as he cuts himself off. “changkyun, wait.”

changkyun stills, but he refuses to turn to face kihyun.

“look at me.” he’s begging, his grip on changkyun’s wrist tightening. “please.”

so, changkyun complies. he turns back around to face kihyun.

he’s met with the look he was dreading. kihyun looks guilty, biting his lip, and changkyun knows what he’s going to say.

he should’ve prepared himself for the rejection.

“i’m sorry i don’t feel the same.”

and there it is.

a tear escapes changkyun’s eye before he can stop it. he tears his hand from kihyun’s grip and rubs at his eyes, wiping away the unshed tears.

kihyun stands up from the sofa. he reaches his hand towards changkyun’s face, but then he hesitates. his hand hovers there in the space between them for a few moments. then, he makes up his mind and lets it drop.

changkyun looks away again. he doesn’t want to look at kihyun right now. he can’t. he’s not sure he can ever actually face him again.

“i’m sorry, changkyun.”

but changkyun doesn’t want his apologies. he doesn’t need his apologies, because it’s not kihyun’s fault that he doesn’t share changkyun’s feelings.

the selfish part of him wants to blame kihyun. wants to hate him. wants to be angry with him.

but the sad thing is, he’s not. and he couldn’t be. because changkyun is in love with kihyun.

but kihyun doesn’t feel the same.

“it’s okay, kihyun.”

changkyun turns to leave again and this time kihyun doesn’t stop him.

“i’ll text you later,” he says, still not facing kihyun.

he doesn’t plan to text him later.

but, it’s what they always say when they leave each other. and changkyun needs some sense of normalcy in this situation.

kihyun doesn’t reply. he doesn’t need to. he knows changkyun, knows him well enough to know that changkyun needs to be alone right now. he’ll contact kihyun when he’s ready.

if he’s ever ready.

changkyun leaves without looking back. he leaves with his heart crushed into pieces on kihyun's living room floor.

changkyun cries as he walks back to his own dorm. he lets the tears fall freely. ignores the concerned looks people shoot him.

they’re strangers, they don’t really care. they don’t care that changkyun just had his heart broken. why would they?

changkyun gets straight into his bed in all his clothes when he gets home. he doesn’t have the energy to get changed. all he wants to do is wrap himself in his duvet and cry. mourn his broken heart.

and he sobs. he cries and wails and sobs.

his pillow becomes soaked with his tears, but still he cries.

he cries over heartbreak. he cries over regret. he cries over the fact he might have just ruined his friendship with one of the most important people in his life.

because he knows what kihyun will say. he’ll say he wants to stay friends. and he’s happy to put it behind them, move on, and forget about it.

but changkyun knows things won’t be the same. he knows it’ll be different now.

kihyun won’t be affectionate with him anymore, afraid to lead changkyun on.

changkyun will be awkward around kihyun, afraid of saying the wrong thing and making kihyun uncomfortable.

so, it won’t be okay. and it won’t be the same.

it’ll be different.

changkyun doesn’t want it to be different.

he wishes he could go back in time, return to before he made his confession, and never say a word to kihyun. keep his feelings to himself.

he’d be suffering, dealing with his feelings towards kihyun, but at least their friendship wouldn’t be compromised.

he was so sure kihyun felt the same. so sure.

he always makes changkyun feel special, like he’s the only person in the world. he dotes on him and he’s affectionate with him. or at least he was. maybe he won't treat changkyun the same anymore.

because changkyun was wrong. he mistook kihyun’s friendship for love, and he fucked up in the process.

he wasn’t the only one. hyungwon and jooheon were sure kihyun felt the same. they encouraged changkyun to confess, knowing it was eating him up inside keeping it hidden.

changkyun wants to blame them, but they were mistaken the same as him. they didn’t do anything wrong, only tried to help.

changkyun only has himself to blame. he was the one who fell in love with his best friend. he was the one who opened his heart to let kihyun in. he was the one who fucked everything up.

he cries. because all he can do is cry.

his heart is filled with sadness.

but still, a tiny corner of it still holds his love for kihyun.

and it _hurts._

it hurts to be in love with someone who will never love you back. it hurts to put your heart out there, only to face rejection. it hurts.

but changkyun doesn’t blame kihyun. knows he can’t blame kihyun.

he cries more.

cries and cries and cries.

and when he finally stops crying, his body finally too exhausted to cry another tear, he realises that he has to be okay.

he has exams. he has work. he can’t let a silly little rejection affect his life. he can’t allow himself that.

he gets back out of bed. he covers up his tear stained face with foundation. he grabs his bag and he leaves and goes to the library.

he has to be okay.

and maybe, just maybe, he eventually will be.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments give me life <3


End file.
